LORNA PARTINGTON WALSH

 
The book with spine I'm plugging this month is Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on the Decision NOT to Have Kids, edited by Meghan Daum.

Sometimes, a book with spine reveals something new to you, but sometimes it validates something important in your life. For me, this book is of the latter variety. As a writer myself, I picked up the book of essays by writers because I was curious about how other writers came to the same decision as I did about parenthood (the decision being to remain childfree by choice, which is an important distinction from people who want kids but can't have them).

As you would expect from writers, the essays are well constructed and well argued. From a craft point of view, you get a great masterclass in how to write great personal essays. Of course, the content resonated with me, although the males' point of view, not so much. I just think that for people born women, the concept of choosing to be childfree is an issue on a far grander scale than for men. Sorry, dudes. If you are a female-identifying writer who is on the fence about having kids, this book could be incredibly powerful. It's rammed full of sound rationale for fully embracing the creative life, which may offer some readers real comfort.

However, the one thing that struck me about writers writing about this topic is how inadequate words are, and none of the essayists really tackled the lack of appropriate language for childfree-by-choice cis women, like me. So, in a move of breathtaking arrogance, I'm offering you my opinion!

Words Fail Me: Communicating My Choice
The English language was once the stooge of the British Empire, busy appropriating words from other cultures for its greedy master. Nowadays, English has atoned for its imperial past by becoming the most hospitable language on Earth. It no longer goes abroad to steal; rather, it welcomes thousands of foreign/alien words with open arms and makes them feel right at home, no questions asked. 

I love English’s speedy adaptability. Even as I write, the new term “social distancing” is being entered into the OED. Though there is always controversy around certain language developments (lately in the sphere of gender identity, where vocab moves at breakneck speed), it’s critical that people take control of the language that refers to them. And it’s their inalienable right to choose their words carefully.

You might have noticed I steer clear of the word “childless”, which to me suggests something is missing, and for women who want children but are without them, this word feels especially unkind. I’m not especially keen to refer to myself as “childfree” either, reminiscent as it is of the prolific food-related intolerances of our age, as if the mere whiff of a fertilized egg in my uterus might trigger anaphylaxis.

So, if not “childfree” or “childless”, what? I would prefer to describe my persona as a “woman without children” (people-first language) and refer to my counterparts “women with children”, but I know that most of them would rather be called “mothers” because it’s a label that carries a great deal of weight in society. Even bad mothers get more respect than non-mothers, on the whole!

Sadly, women without children have no equivalent of the word “mother” that might respect their particular reproductive decision. “Non-mother” is another one of those oppositional words, like “childless”, so that won’t do. Old English would have labeled younger women without children “maidens”, which has a certain charm, but older women were called “crones”… not so nice. 

We have hardly any deities from which to draw our alternative moniker, given that the ancient pantheons and most religions are simply potty about fertility. “Libertas”, the goddess of freedom, was about the closest I could get, but I do not want to be confused with libertarians, so that’s a no-go.

I guess the best we can do is 'nullipara', which is the medical term for a woman who has not given birth and encompasses those who are not fertile (too young, too elderly, and the infertile) and those who have chosen to defy their fertility. It will take some explaining, but we've seen lately how quickly new terms are adopted. So, I say it's worth a go: let's change it from an adjective to a noun, and maybe even a verb ... 'to nullipara: to choose or to embrace a childfree life'.

Nulliparas of the world, unite!

Soon after I returned to Sheffield after a 20-year absence, I was lucky to meet Beverley Ward. Beverley is at the very heart of the city's writing community and has supported its growth for about as long as I was away! Not only is she a great resource for other writers developing their craft, she is also an enormously talented writer of prose and poetry, and in a future blog post, I will be featuring her very own Book with Spine, Dear Blacksmith, a beautiful and powerful memoir about confronting grief under extraordinary circumstances.

In this post, Beverley shares her top ten habits for becoming a writer or improving your productivity. 
 
Beverley says:

1. Develop a writing practice. You wouldn’t run a marathon without training; writing is no different. If you want to be a writer, you need to practice. Write regularly and vary your practice with journal writing, poetry and fiction. Commit to building your writing muscles with regular exercise. Write every day if you can. You won’t regret it.
2. Make time. There’s no question that finding time for writing can be hard, especially for people who have a lot of other responsibilities (says the self-employed single parent), but the truth is there is always time. If writing is important to you, you must make time in the same way that you make time to exercise or to catch up with friends. Make writing a regular habit, even if it’s just ten or twenty minutes a day or even once a week. You’ll be amazed how quickly the words mount up. 
3. Find a community of writers to be part of. Being a writer can be lonely until you discover your tribe and then it becomes the most joyful and wonderful journey full of authentic relationships and connection. Join a writing group, a course or an online community and you’ll soon find out that there isn’t just one kind of person who is allowed in the club and that writers are people like you after all.
4. Allow yourself to play and experiment. Creativity is a form of play. You can have big ambitions for your writing but don’t take it so seriously that you forget to play. Try new things and have fun with words and ideas. Experiment. 
5. Allow yourself to fail. Failure is as much a part of the creative process as play. Embrace it. If you don’t try different ways of writing, you won’t find the one that works for you. And, so often, mistakes lead to new inventions. If a cook in Bakewell hadn’t mixed the almonds and eggs in the wrong way, Bakewell pudding wouldn’t have been invented, and think how much poorer the world would be without that. (If you haven’t tried this delicacy, you must.)
6. Free write. Free writing is a way of writing that bypasses the inner censor, and it’s such a key tool for writers. In essence, free writing is just writing whatever comes to mind without judgement or expectation. It’s a great way to tap into your unconscious mind and  develop your writing muscles. Pick a random phrase from a book or a song to start with and just follow the pen and see what emerges. I guarantee it will surprise you. 
7. Befriend your inner critic. We all have an inner critic. It’s the annoying voice that presents the endless barriers and obstacles, that tries to keep you in your place. It might seem odd to befriend that voice, but remember that it’s just trying to keep you safe. You won’t get rid of it, so it’s best not to try. Just listen to it and humour it as you might a cantankerous uncle or a tantruming child and then write anyway.
8. Share your work. Sharing your writing with other people can feel terrifying at first but it’s one of the very best ways to start to get over your fears. Be careful who you share it with though. Writing is best shared in communities of supportive writers and with people you really trust.
9. Step out of your comfort zone. The best writing often happens when you’re at the very edge of your comfort zone. If it scares you to write it and terrifies you to share it, you’re probably on to something. 
10. Start small. You don’t have to write a bestseller when you first put pen to paper. You don’t even need to set out to write a novel or a poetry collection. Start with a chapter, a poem, a first line.

For more of Beverley's tips and advice, request a copy of her Free E-Book here.

About Beverley:
Beverley Ward is a writer, facilitator and coach, with twenty years experience of supporting fellow writers on their journeys to becoming the writers that they want to be. She offers a range of writing workshops and one-to-one coaching/mentoring and owns The Writers Workshop in Sheffield. You can find out more about Beverley at www.beverleywrites.com. Or email her on beverleywardwriter@gmail.com.